My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
