im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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