I accidentally had phone sex last night
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize