and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
