Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
