You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
