Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
