haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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