his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
