She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
