At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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