my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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