I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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