if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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