I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Randomize
