you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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