so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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