it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
