Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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