I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
