it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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