8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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