She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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