Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
