If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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