my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
sex in a hospital.. check
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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