he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My bed smells like the plague
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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