Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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