That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
