There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
