he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
