He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
