I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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