I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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