I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
