Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
