she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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