This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
