Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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