I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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