I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
