Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize