i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
God, I missed his penis.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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