and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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