I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
