one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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