apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
