so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
