Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize