I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize