i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
