so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize