I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
