Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
