for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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