Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
