just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize