i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
