explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
