Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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